Suppressing it All

I think that I have spent a lot of time avoiding thinking about Tyler lately. I have his CD in my car (in my 6 disk changer), and every time that it comes up to be played I skip it. I don't take it out of the CD player though. For some reason it has just been too painful to listen to. There is the welling within me that wants to just lay in my bed and listen to it and cry. But I think part of me fears doing that. I fear that I will fall into grief. I fear that I will not want to get out of bed. I fear that the feelings of just after his death are looming just below the surface, and I just want to suppress them so that they do not overwhelm or consume me.

I have recently been reading a book called "Your Scars Are Beautiful to God" by Sharon Jaynes. It is an excellent book that I am enjoying reading. In fact, I decided to start a Bible study with a few girls from my small group so that we can study this book together. There was a quote that I read the other day that really stuck with me. "Their eyes were blinded by despair, and they didn't realize that hope was walking alongside them." In Luke 24 if shows this scene Peter and John walking down the road talking about the tragic events that had occurred, when another man appeared and began walking alongside them and asked them what they were talking about. They were shocked that he didn't already know, and they told him what about what happened. This man continues on with them and then goes to Peter and John's for dinner. As the man breaks bread Peter and John suddenly recognize that it is Jesus. I think often we are like that. We are traveling down our road of despair and forget that Jesus is walking right beside us if we will only take the time to recognize him, see him, and talk to him. I miss talking about Tyler. I think that it would be easier to listen to his CD if I talked about him more. I would not feel so much like there was this heaviness waiting to crash down on me if I were able to let a little grief out a little at a time, rather then feeling like I just hold it all in.

It was so good to talk to Mama this weekend on Mother's Day. We talked about Tyler and how much we miss him. And about how hard it still is that he is gone. I love you, Mama. I think that you are the most amazing woman that I have ever known. The strength that you have is incredible. I am so blessed to have you as my mom!

I know this post was a little random and discombobulated...but it was just what I was thinking about....