Showing posts with label Tyler. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tyler. Show all posts

12 November 2014

Holidays 8 Years Later

The holiday season is here! 

Since Tyler died on December 21, 2006 I have carried the Christmas letter (and picture) that we sent out just days after his death in my Bible. I hadn't re-read it. I hadn't opened it. Just had it there in my Bible. Today, I really wanted to read it for some reason.  As I read, I was reminded of how faithful my parents were (and still are). In the letter, you can feel their great great sorrow at the loss of their son. But you also read of a great faith in God that remains unchanged. Even in a time of a loss so great that we couldn't eat or sleep and we could hardly even breath, Papa and Mama led and pointed us back to God and the grace of Jesus Christ. At the time, I dealt with anger towards God and even being a little upset and appalled that my parents would continue to thank God and speak of his love for us at such a time. But now, I am so thankful for their deep faith and hope. And so thankful for their willingness to be sad and to mourn. And I am so thankful that we were all able to cry and cry and express our great pain at this loss. But I am also thankful that they trusted God and loved God in the midst of the horrific sorrow. And I am so thankful for Tyler's faith in God.

Edited: So after I posted the above, I went to read and have some time with the Lord. I picked up in Romans where I had previously left off and this is what I read:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose....He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things. Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died -- more than that who was raised to life -- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered'. No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither heights nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8:28-39

Coincidence? I think not.

I was so needing to hear this. I was needing to be reminded of God's perfect care over me. Of his great and perfect love for me in his greatness and goodness and sovereignty.


In case you want to re-read the letter from that year (or you've never read it), here is a copy of it. It is just a picture of the letter take with my iPhone...so please excuse the poor quality.



12 December 2012

A Grace Disguised

I've been reading a book called "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser for a while now. It is a book about loss. The author lost his wife, daughter and mother in a car accident and he uses that tragedy to write about loss in general. He writes about how different people experience different loses differently. And describes how no loss is "greater" than any other, because it is all about the perspective and position in life of that specific person. I definitely recommend the read, even if you have no experienced "great loss".

Here are a couple of quotes I really like from the book. 

"Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss are living authentically in a world of misery, and it expresses the emotional anguish of people who feel pain for themselves or for others. Sorrow is noble and gracious. It enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the worlds pain and hoping for healing at the same time."

"To our shock and bewilderment we discover that there is a being in the universe who, despite our brokenness and sin, loves us fiercely. In coming to the end of ourselves, we have come to the beginning of our true and deepest selves. We have found the one whose love gives shape to our being. The tragedy pushed me towards God, even when I did not want him. And in God I found grace, even when I was not looking for it."


I miss Tyler. 

I wish so badly that he could know this new little baby.

05 September 2012

Tyler David

Landon, Whitney and Peyton Jo welcomed a new little guy to the family. Tyler David. As you can see, he was named after our Tyler Blake. It is so nice to have a little Tyler around now. It is nice to use the name on a more regular basis. We have always loved to talk about Tyler and have continued to talk about him over the last 6 years, but now, we can use the name for this precious new little boy while remembering his Uncle Tyler. What an honor for him to be named after such a good man.



06 March 2012

Childhood Sounds

Today I am pressure cooking pinto beans. We are going to have beans and cornbread tonight and then chili tomorrow night. The sound of the pressure cooker in my kitchen brings back so many memories of my mom's kitchen. Memories of living in Galveston and eating LOTS of beans. We had beans and cornbread, beans and spanish rice, cabbage bean soup, beans and corn tortillas....I do not make them very often now that I am grown. But they are one of my favorite meals. I am not sure if it is because it reminds me of growing up or what. But I do enjoy them! Especially with some cornbread. Although, my taste in cornbread has changed since I was a kid. Growing up I DID NOT like sweet cornbread AT ALL. If it had even the slightest sweet flavor I couldn't stand it. But now, I like it super sweet! Now, if only I could learn to like onions I'd be golden! :)  Having the pressure cooker going just brings back this entire feeling that comes along with the memories. There was such an innocence and a carefreeness when we were young. For some reason it makes me think of building "forts" underneath the dinning room table. We had a HUGE dinning room table. And we would gather up blankets and cover the whole table with them and then all crawl inside. And we would play for hours under there. We would always leave a huge mess with blankets everywhere. I am pretty sure it was Mama's favorite game for us to play! :) One time (this was when we lived in Abilene, in the two story house) we crawled under the table and were pretending that a tornado was coming, and (I am pretty sure it was Tyler) kept calling it a giant "tomato" instead of a tornado. I can't remember exactly, but I think Landon and Tyler may have been defending us with their guns against the giant "tomato". After a while, the name "giant tomato" instead of tornado stuck, and we started pretending there was actually a giant tomato rolling towards us that was going to roll right over our house. So, the boys were would ride out on their "horses" with their "guns" and try to get the tomato while us girls were safe underneath the table. Oh, what great imaginations we had. I am thankful that we did not have a TV growing up! We spent hours, literally, making up games! 

Crazy. Just the sound of the pressure cooker in my kitchen led me through all that.

29 February 2012

Blog Poaching


This is a link to a blog of a friend of my family, Mike. Mike is the one that spoke at Tyler's funeral for us. His daughter Megan died about 10 years before Tyler did. He has had a series of blogs recently, about losing a child. I have enjoyed reading them and they have meant a lot to me. So, I thought I would share.

In this particular post he was giving advice to the friends of those that have lost a child. This was one of the things that he said that really spoke to me: When you are the friend "You can’t turn loose of your end of the rope. Even if your friend is hard to be with. When you’re on the other end, that rope is actually a lifeline. If feels thin and frayed. Even if they’re unable to express thanks or are irritable, they need you more than you can know."

21 December 2011

Remembering to Have Hope

I was just talking to Matt, Devin and Sarah about this the other night. The fact that it feels like Tyler is getting further and further away. I am growing up. I am now 28 years old and I was 23 when he died. He will forever be 19 years old. He won't ever get older. When my nieces and nephews grow up and are 19 years old....Tyler will still be 19 as well. It is a very strange thing. And, if makes me miss him so much, because without new memories to add to the mix, it feels like he is slipping away.

He was such a godly man who wanted to share Christ's love. He especially wanted to share Christ's love with young kids. He wanted to be a teacher/coach so that he could impact young kids for Christ. Don't get me wrong, he had his flaws. But, Tyler was one of the best men I've ever known. He had a huge heart and a ready smile. He was kind and compassionate. And he had a very easy and natural sense of humor that made almost anyone laugh. I miss him. I rejoice that he is in heaven because he knew Jesus Christ as his savior.

I recently listened to a podcast by Paul David Tripp through the Village Church website. It was a sermon on Isaiah 59 and hope. Two things that he said that really impacted me were, "hope is found through the door of hopelessness" and "when you give up on horizontal hope, then you're ready to find real hope", which is a hope in Jesus Christ. He talked about how we attempt to place our hope horizontally, in people and in things of this earth. But those things will ALWAYS let us down at one time or another. But hope comes when we realize that we are sinful and we need Jesus Christ, and when we place our hope, faith and trust in Him. I am so thankful that I have this hope.

22 November 2011

It Doesn't Stop Here

I remember one of the hardest things to deal with after Tyler's death was going back to "normal" life. It felt like I was in some way betraying him by doing the mundane tasks of life.

Matthew and I spent time with Devin and Sarah and their family in Phoenix. We went to the balloon release that we held in Logan's honor and attended the memorial service as well. There were so many people that attended both. People who loved Logan and wanted to be there to support and love his family during this time. It was incredible to see how Logan's family was/is choosing to rely on God during this time.  But now, as they each must go back to doing the everyday tasks that life requires...now is when they need even more support than ever. They need people to talk about Logan. They need people to ask them how they are doing. They need people to be willing to cry with them. They need people to talk about it even when it is hard to talk about. They need people to be praying for them. They need people to remind them of God's faithfulness. Now, as they go on with life, is the time that they need the most support.

Here are a few pictures from our time in Arizona.


I don't know what the boys were doing here. But while we were there, we spent time looking through pictures of Logan. It was fun to laugh and cry as we talked and heard stories of Logan's life.



On Saturday night a friend of Logan's hosted a balloon release. We all got balloons and wrote a note and attached it to the balloon.





Christian, one of Logan and Devin's nephews, celebrated his 1st birthday while we were there.




Christian enjoying some watermelon!


Sarah and her sweet sister, Melissa.



That adorable belly!!! Can't wait to meet little PG.



Giving Travis a hard time :)







We were so blessed by this family during our time there. Our prayers will continue to be with them as we know that this is only the beginning of the grieving process.

"And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great." ~Job 2:13

05 November 2011

Hosea

Hosea is a book that I always seem to go back to when I am reading scripture. I think that it is because I seem to identify so well with it. God wants to be my provider, my comforter, my protector, my joy. However, I chase after what I want. I chase after what makes me comfortable. I chase after what makes me happy for that moment (or at least what I think will make me happy for that moment). I chase after what is easiest. Those are the things that I want. So often, I want those things more than I want what God wants for my life. I know that in desiring those things rather than what God wants, I am attempting to limit God's power in my life and in the end will be far less happy, content, and joyful. I know that what God wants for me and what God is taking me through, will in the end produce so much more joy and contentment in my life. And yet, like in Hosea, I continue to prostitute myself out to these earthly and fleshly desires, rather than trusting God to romance me and love me and provide for me.

"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord until he comes and showers righteousness on you. But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength and on your many warriors." ~Hosea 10-12-13

If only I would rely God's strength in my life every day. If only I would stop allowing the deceiver to convince me that I would be far more happy if life were easier. It is a daily struggle. It is not something that I foresee going away over night. But I do pray that the desires of my heart will begin to reflect what God desires for me. And that I will trust God more and know that this is what is best for me, even when it may not seem like it.

Struggles like this always make me miss Tyler so much. I wonder what he would say to me. I wonder what he would do. I wonder. But, I am also thankful that his battle is over. I am thankful that he is not having to deal with any pain or sorrow. I am thankful that he sheds no more tears. I am thankful that the struggles of this earth are so small in light of the glory of God. But. I still miss him. And I still wish I could get a big hug from him. And I wish that he was here to make me laugh.....even if it was at a joke that he had already told....

03 November 2011

We Went to the Chapel and We Got Married :)

Since our third anniversary just passed I thought that I would share how Matthew and I met. 
Be ware. This is LONG!

On Sunday, December 2, 2007 I was walking from my car into the University Medical Center at Lubbock emergency room to start my 12 hour shift. My phone rang and it was my sister, Terah calling. She took a couple of minutes to chat and small talk. And then she asked, “So, when is you next weekend off?” I told her that I was off the coming weekend. And she asked if I wanted to come see her in Phoenix, AZ that weekend. I had just seen her a couple of weeks before at Thanksgiving and I was about to see her at Christmas again, so I thought this an odd request. But, her husband Nate had been in Iraq for 7 months already and still had 5 months to go, so I thought maybe she was just lonely. So I asked why she wanted me to come visit. She then told me that she met a guy that she thought I should meet. I think I literally rolled my eyes at this, even though she couldn’t see me. She told me all that she knew about him, which wasn’t very much because she had just met him a couple of hours before this. So, I told her that airline tickets would be really expensive only 5 days in advance and so I didn’t think I would come. She insisted and said that she would let me use one of her free Southwest tickets because she really wanted me to come meet this guy. So, I told her she could look for tickets for me and that I would call her the next day when I got off work. 

We ended up not talking until Tuesday. And when we did talk, she didn’t mention this guy named Matt again. She just talked about me coming to visit. In fact, all week she didn’t talk about him again. So, when I left on Friday to fly to Phoenix with my little sister, Cori, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to met this guy while I was there. But I was okay with that because I was skeptical anyway. I was okay with just a weekend visit to see Terah. When we arrived Friday afternoon we went straight to eat lunch with one of Terah’s friends, Elana. Elana is the friend that introduced Matt and Terah and she was so excited to meet me because she had very high regards to Matt and really liked Terah a lot, so she was excited about the possibility of Matt and I meeting. So, over lunch the plans were made for Elana and her husband Josh to come over to Terah’s house on Saturday night for S’mores in the backyard and they were to bring Matt with them. At this point I had no idea if Matt even really knew that he was coming to meet me or not. Saturday night rolled around and I started to get butterflies of nervousness in my stomach. I was still very skeptical because I didn’t think that it would be possible for anything to actually happen with Matt and me. I mean, what were the chances of us meeting and both liking each other and then on top of that, we lived 900 miles from each other! I owned a house and had a great job in Texas and he was in the Air Force. So, even though I was nervous, I really didn’t think that it would come to anything. 

Around 9:30 on Saturday night the three of them finally arrived at Terah’s house. Matt walked in and he didn’t look anything like what I had pictured in my head, but I was definitely immediately attracted to him. We all talked for a few minutes in the kitchen and then we were moving out to the backyard. When we were walking out the door Matt got to the door first and then stopped and let me walk out first. Even though this was a small thing, at that moment I began having this small hope….”maybe”. We spent a couple hours all hanging out talking and laughing around the fire. Terah and Elana provided many opportunities to bring about conversation between Matt and I. And Terah even had me making fun of Matt within about 30 minutes of meeting him. If you know me at all, that fact that I was evening talking was a miracle and the fact that I was already making fun of him…now that was pretty much unbelievable. Terah did a great job of getting us talking. And since Matt had to play with the worship team the next morning Terah somehow managed to convince Matt and I that I needed to make Matt breakfast burritos in the morning and bring them to church for him. And then a little later Terah, Josh, Elana, and Cori all of the sudden disappeared and Matt and I found ourselves sitting by the fire talking. We talked until all the firewood was burned and it was way too cold to continue to sit outside. At about 2:15am we went inside, we rather awkwardly said goodnight and Matt took a two hour nap in Terah’s guest bedroom and then he had to get up to drive all the way from Surprise to Buckeye to get his jimbay and then head to church for worship practice. 

So, Terah woke me up early enough the next morning to make burritos for Matt. I was very nervous to take him the burritos, but Terah made me. When we arrived at church about 15 minutes early Terah insisted that I walk to the front of church where the worship team was setting up for second service and deliver the burritos. Matt ate them and I stood awkwardly there watching him eat them trying to come up with something to say. During the service I was very distracted and was convinced that I had embarrassed Matt by bringing him breakfast and that I probably wouldn’t hear from him. After church we went to lunch at Matt’s favorite restaurant, Chipotle. All during lunch I was very impressed with Matt and his maturity and how he could be serious and have normal conversations with adults, this was impressive because most of the guys I knew that were around my age were unable to do this! After lunch Terah insisted that we all go back to her house and eat cookies and hang out until Cori and I had to leave for the airport. She quickly claimed that Cori and Josh and Elana’s kids were riding with her so there would not be room for me in her car and she asked Matt to let me ride with him. When we got in his truck and he started the motor, classical music was playing. He asked me if I liked classical music and I immediately responded that I did not…unless I was trying to fall asleep! He changed the station for me, but said that he liked classical music a lot. Even though I didn’t like it was impressed that a guy his age was willing to admit that he loved classical music. We hung out for about an hour at Terah’s and lost track of time. All of the sudden Terah and I realized that Cori and I were going to be late for our flight. So, we quickly packed and threw our bags in the car. All of use stood in the entry way of Terah’s house saying bye. Matt and I barely even said an awkward goodbye. As we were driving to the airport I realized I didn’t even know what Matt’s last name was…and Terah didn’t either. So, she called Elana and she told us that his last name was Cornett. 

As soon as I arrived home that night I got online to check my email so that I could show Gini and Shelley the picture of Matt that Terah had so slyly taken for me. Gini and Shelley fully agreed that he was a keeper in the looks department. On Wednesday I talked to Terah. We talked about the fact that Matt didn’t even have my phone number so there was no way he could call me. But even despite that I told Terah, “I think…I mean…I don’t know…but I really think…I think that he may…I mean…I’m not sure…but I think that me might be….” and Terah interrupted and said, “the one”.  I was so shocked with myself. I had spent a total about about 6 or 8 hours with this guy, he didn’t have my phone number, he lived in another state and I was still thinking that he might be the one that I was going to marry. What was I thinking?!  Terah devised a plan and said that she and Elana would take care of Matt getting my phone number. Elana gave him my number on Friday night and I was very anxious to see if he called or not. At that point I had no idea if he even liked me. I was being a girl and over analyzing everything! Shocker, I know. 

On Saturday afternoon I was at Gini’s basketball game in Lubbock with nearly my whole family. My phone rang and it was a Georgia phone number. I am sure that I turned bright red and my whole family knew that it was probably Matthew calling. We talked that day and I told him that I was leaving for family ski trip on Monday. At the end of the conversation he said, “Well, I won’t call and interrupt your family time this week, but you can call me anytime. I’d love to hear from you.” And that was just the encouragement I needed. On Monday we arrived in Denver, CO. We were at Walmart buying all the food we needed for the week on the ski slopes. My sisters convinced me that I should call him today because I might not have service up in the mountains and I needed to make sure he knew that I wanted to talk to him too. So, I called him and left him a message. He called me back later that night (we did have cell service at our condo). We ended up talking everyday while I was on Colorado. On Thursday night after we finished talking I went upstairs and Whitney, Terah, Gini and Shelley were still awake and I was beaming and told them that I was going to marry him. That night in our conversation he was already talking about coming to Muleshoe to meet my family. 

Than on Friday we were skiing and I had a major wipe out (one that I still have no memory of). I was unconscious for a time and then was confused and disoriented for about 30-45 minutes. During that time Heather was trying to get me to remember things and trying to orient me, so she asked me, “What’s your boyfriend’s name?” I thought about it and was thinking in my head that Heather would not ask me this question unless I had a boyfriend, but I could not think of one. I started crying at this point because I couldn‘t remember. After a while it all started coming back to me, thankfully : ) 

Over the next few weeks Matthew and I talked nearly everyday for several hours. Matt kept asking me when he would get to see me again and we made plans for me to visit him at the end of January. On January 19, about two weeks before I was supposed to go to AZ to see him, we were talking. Matthew knew about my track record of never dating anyone for more than about 5-6 weeks, usually more like 3 weeks…. Since it had been six weeks since we met and we were still talking, he asked me if we were “going steady”. I laughed and told him, “for sure”. At that point we had already talked about marriage a little... And I had already told him that I was willing to move to Arizona if it came to that. After I went to visit him in January we were fairly certain that we wanted to get married. He surprised me the second week in February for Valentine’s Day and drove 12 hours, through the snow in New Mexico, to Texas to see me! That weekend he got to briefly meet my parents, Gini, Shelley and Ben. After he left my dad called me and I asked him what he thought about Matthew. He was kind of quiet, said that he liked him, but he didn’t really say much. There was a silence and then he asked me, “do you really want to know what I think”? At that point I was thinking in my head, “oh my goodness, he didn’t like him. What on earth didn’t he like, I thought it went really well“. But I told him, yes that I did really want to know what he thought. His voice kind of cracked and I could hear tears in it, and he said, “I think that Matthew is an answer to Tyler and all of prayers”. I was shocked that Papa would say something that bold, but I was also very relieved because I completely agreed. That weekend was also the weekend that Matthew told me that he loved me. Matthew came for the official “meet the entire, huge sheets family weekend” the last week in February. And while he was there that weekend we decided to get married in October. 

We continued to talk on the phone, I began trying to sell my house, and began looking for a job in Phoenix. We decided we probably shouldn’t get engaged until after I met his family, and we made plans to go to Georgia to meet his family in June. During the next few months we spent a lot of money on airline tickets and got to see each other almost every other weekend. Then, on May 16 my family helped me pack my entire house and load a Uhaul trailer and Matt flew down and helped Shelley, Ben and I drive the Uhaul to Phoenix, where I moved in with Nate and Terah. Matt and I went to North Carolina the first week in June and met his brother and sister-in-law, then we drove down to Georgia with his brother John and met his parents, aunt, and grandma. Even though we knew we were getting married I was convinced that Matthew did not have a ring yet, and that we would not officially get engaged until after I got back from Zimbabwe at the end of July. But one day while we were there in Georgia (June 10) Matt took me hiking. We spent the day hiking and taking pictures and had a picnic lunch that Matt had brought. We spent a lot of time talking about our relationship and how we had seen God blessing it all along the way. While we were hiking Fort Mountain we heard a storm blowing in and it started to rain on us. We sprinted the entire way down the mountain because we both had our cameras with us and did not want to get caught in the rain with them. We put our cameras in the car, took our shoes off, and went out to a deck that overlooked the Blue Ridge Mountains. As we were sitting there in the rain Matthew pulled a little box out of his pocket and asked me to marry him. I did not even know that he had asked Papa yet! I was in complete shock, I am pretty sure it took me a good 30-45 seconds to answer him.

I later found out that on our drive from North Carolina to Georgia the ring was in Matthew’s backpack. I had gotten cold on the drive and had opened his backpack to get his sweatshirt out and Matt now tells me that he was really nervous because I opened the pocket with the ring in it! Thankfully I did not see the ring. During that same trip to Georgia we also received word that Matthew was being assigned to a new base in Anchorage, Alaska. The plans were made to get married in Texas on October 25 and leave to move to Alaska on October 26. It was a very eventful and life changing Georgia vacation! 

To celebrate 3 years, we went to eat at Lone Star Steakhouse. It was delicious! Sorry for the very poor quality pictures...I used my iPhone to take them.





21 December 2010

Tyler

Today it has been four years.


I just now (December 1, 2011) found this post that I apparently started writing on December 21, 2010. The very short above sentence is as far as I got that day....some days I remain in shock that he is really gone and there are just now words....

15 May 2010

Suppressing it All

I think that I have spent a lot of time avoiding thinking about Tyler lately. I have his CD in my car (in my 6 disk changer), and every time that it comes up to be played I skip it. I don't take it out of the CD player though. For some reason it has just been too painful to listen to. There is the welling within me that wants to just lay in my bed and listen to it and cry. But I think part of me fears doing that. I fear that I will fall into grief. I fear that I will not want to get out of bed. I fear that the feelings of just after his death are looming just below the surface, and I just want to suppress them so that they do not overwhelm or consume me.

I have recently been reading a book called "Your Scars Are Beautiful to God" by Sharon Jaynes. It is an excellent book that I am enjoying reading. In fact, I decided to start a Bible study with a few girls from my small group so that we can study this book together. There was a quote that I read the other day that really stuck with me. "Their eyes were blinded by despair, and they didn't realize that hope was walking alongside them." In Luke 24 if shows this scene Peter and John walking down the road talking about the tragic events that had occurred, when another man appeared and began walking alongside them and asked them what they were talking about. They were shocked that he didn't already know, and they told him what about what happened. This man continues on with them and then goes to Peter and John's for dinner. As the man breaks bread Peter and John suddenly recognize that it is Jesus. I think often we are like that. We are traveling down our road of despair and forget that Jesus is walking right beside us if we will only take the time to recognize him, see him, and talk to him. I miss talking about Tyler. I think that it would be easier to listen to his CD if I talked about him more. I would not feel so much like there was this heaviness waiting to crash down on me if I were able to let a little grief out a little at a time, rather then feeling like I just hold it all in.

It was so good to talk to Mama this weekend on Mother's Day. We talked about Tyler and how much we miss him. And about how hard it still is that he is gone. I love you, Mama. I think that you are the most amazing woman that I have ever known. The strength that you have is incredible. I am so blessed to have you as my mom!

I know this post was a little random and discombobulated...but it was just what I was thinking about....

21 December 2009

Tyler

Sometimes it is hard to find the words. December 21 brought about 3 years since I last saw Tyler. There are times where I don't even want to mention it. There are times where I just want to act like it never happened, which is impossible to do because I miss him so much...I miss his smile, his laughter, his voice, his hugs, his jokes......

25 September 2009

Putting it in Perspective

Because of the tradgic story of 3 people whom I have never met, my life perspective has once again been altered. It is amazing to me how quickly I forget, or get wrapped up in myself, and do not cling to the lessons that God has taught me so many times before. The short version of the story (which does not do it justice in any way, shape or form) is that Brady and Sara had been married just a little more than four years in February 2009 when they found out that Sara had breast cancer. Around that same time they also found out that Sara was pregnant with their first child. They endured months of surgeries, doctors visits, hospitals and chemo throughout the pregnancy. In early September Sara delivered a healthy baby girl named Chloe. Less then 3 weeks after she delivered, Sara began having headaches and then had multiple seizures. She then passed away on September 22. You should really read their blog to hear the whole story from their perspective. I read their blog just the other night from start to finish. After reading it I could not sleep. I lay awake in bed with a heavy, and prayerful, heart and with tears in my eyes. I was so convicted of my own selfishness. This young family has endured so much in the last 9 months, and yet if you read their story you can see how fully they have relied on and trusted God even in the worst of it all. I remember after Tyler died it took me months, if not an entire year to even begin to say that God was working in this tragedy to mold me into his image. And still, there are so many days where I cannot even wrap my mind around the fact that Tyler is truly gone and that I will not see him again until Heaven. There are days where I can hardly breath because I miss him so much. And there are still days where I get frustrated that it was his time to go home. And yet this small family saw in the midst of their trials and trusted in the midst of their trials that God was using and molding them and that God had a plan for them. I stay so focused on my own stresses, frustrations, disappointments, and fears. And so often in the midst of all of those things I do not seek to see what God is trying to teach me and how he is trying to make me more like Christ through those things. In the past months with Matthew being gone I have been so selfish. I have stayed so focused on this very small difficulty in my life, when this is only a very small trial in my life...if it can even be called a trial. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that I shouldn't miss Matt or be sad that he is gone. But I should be praising God for his safety and should be open to what he has for me here while Matt is gone. And, I do not think that I should no longer miss Tyler. But, my perspective has once again been altered. I pray that I can daily live with my eyes open to what God is teaching me and that I will never take for granted the numerous blessings in my life. And that I will constantly remember that this life on earth is only a whisper in time. AND, that I will daily know that God's plan is the best plan for my life.

Please pray for the Brady and Chloe Sullivan and the rest of Sara's family.
"I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear. I will help you'." ~Isaiah 41:13
" I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before then, and make the rough paths smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." ~Isaiah 42:16

29 July 2009

Second Honeymooon in Guam

Wow. Where to begin. It was so great to get to see Matthew. I have said this before, but I will say it again. I do not know how women do this on a regular basis and how women do this for longer than me! Being without Matt has been tough and I cannot even put into words how blessed I am to have been able to go see him! I can now make it the last 6 weeks until he comes home at the end of September! During my time in Guam I thought of Tyler so much. The last time I went on a beach vacation was when the whole family got to go to Cancun in June 2006 before Tyler's car accident. So, there were so many things that reminded me of him and of my family's time in Cancun. I was reminded of the family relay races we had in the pool, the family races on the beach, the snorkeling, the hanging out by the pool, the volleyball games on the beach, the sitting around the dinner table together...what great memories we have as a family! For my birthday one of the things that Matt did for me was rent scooters for us. We spent an entire day driving around the island and seeing the sites on those scooters...a very great birthday present! This reminded me of Tyler because he used to say that when he went to college he was planning on buying a little scooter to ride to and from class. Can you imagine Tyler's 6'4" frame riding a on a tiny little scooter. That image always makes me smile! Tyler was a very unique individual! Also, for my birthday Matt got me an Ipod. I have been wanting one for about 2 years...but just have never gotten one. So, I was so very pleasantly surprised by this gift! He also got me several other small gifts from his time in Japan. And, we got to go parasailing too. This was so cool! We got to do it together. So we were just floating along about 100 feet above the water for about 15 minutes. Very cool experience! But the greatest birthday present of all was just getting to be in Guam with him! Man, I have missed that guy so much! I think one of things that I missed the most was the way that he makes me laugh. He can make me laugh like no other! So fun!

Hanging out on the beach with Matt!

Scooter ride for my birthday! We drove all over the island. It was so fun!
Beautiful view we saw when we were on our scooter ride.
My birthday dinner!

Hanging out at the pool again. :)

Birthday breakfast

Delicious hazelnut coffee!

Gorgeous view of Gun Beach

Got to see my first starfish up close in real life!

More Gun Beach

Cool little cove that lead us to Gun Beach

By the pool at our hotel.

As a dear friend reminded me. I am so blessed. I am living this great adventure and getting to see so many amazing places and experience so many different things right now in my life. As much as I miss my family and I miss Tyler (and right now I miss Matthew)...I cannot say that I am lacking anything at all. I am so blessed. I probably have mentioned this verse before but I am going to share it again. This verse created a turning point in my grief for Tyler.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." ~1 Peter 1:3-8

03 July 2009

Early May to Late June

It is so amazing what a little rain and a lot of sunshine can do to a place! Matt and I hiked Falls Creek Trail with some friends a few days before he left for Guam in early May. And then, a few days ago, my friend Anna and I hiked this same trail again. I thought it was beautiful the first time I hiked it. But now it is simply breathtaking! The way that everything has turned so green is stunning!

See for yourself. These are pictures from Matt and my hike in May:


And these are pictures from a few days ago on that same trail with Anna!



What an amazing place that I get to live. I do not always appreciate it, because some days it is really hard to be so far from my family. As I think I have said before, it is hard to be in a place where I am around people that never knew Tyler. Even Matthew didn't ever know Ty. So, it is very hard in that sense. Sometimes it feels like I am betraying Tyler because I am around people that don't even know that I miss him and think about him everyday. I know that I am not betraying him. I know that he is so happy and excited for me. I know that Matthew is an answer to not only his prayers, but the prayers of many! But it is hard to live in a place that Tyler never knew, with people that he never knew. ...I hope and pray that I will appreciate this beauty that I am surrounded by every day and that I will never let a day go by that I do not see God's glory in it!
"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the spirit."
~2 Corinthians 3:18

11 June 2009

Arizona and Back Again

While I was in the lower 48 I had to make a little stop by Surprise, AZ to see Nate, Terah and Colton! Colton is now almost 8 weeks old and it is amazing how fast he is growing and how much he has changed since I saw him last. He is making all sorts of adorable little faces. He is so intent on examining everything and trying to figure things out. He is also a talker. He will sit and talk to you and be so happy for as long as you will talk back! It was great to get to see them and it was fun that Landon happened to be out there on business while I was there, so I got to spend a little more time with him too.
This is Colton enjoying wearing his great new hat from his Aunt Sarah. :)
Me and Colton having a little hang out time

Colton loves being with his mom! Colton hanging out with Uncle Ted.
Me and Colton getting ready to go shopping.
Ben, Gini and Shelley
Ben and Papa
Cori, Shelley, Mama, Gini, and Ben
Mama and Me

Me and Papa
Tyler. Today would have been Ty's 22nd birthday. I think that in ways it is getting harder as the days go by, because I wonder what he would be like now. Where would he be living? What would he be doing? Would he still be in college getting his degree to teach and coach? Or would he be working for Concord with Papa, Zach and Landon? Would he still live in Abilene?
....I had planned to write more about him...but the words are just not coming out as I thought they would tonight. So, that is all for now.
It was a great week with my family and it was wonderful to see my family and some friends! I am so blessed!

Little Rock 10k and Half Marathon

 We say that we were going to Little Rock for the 10k and the half marathon races, but in reality, that is not entirely true. We used the ra...