"Thanksmas"

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I love all being in the kitchen, everyone with their own job, and preparing all the food together. Gathering around the table to eat until our stomachs hurt so bad we can only lay there…then laying around in the living room watching/sleeping through college football. All getting out in the yard to put up the Christmas lights (which is always at night…we can’t try to put them up during the day…it would be to warm and light outside to do that!). Pulling taffy…a dreaded and yet adored tradition. Setting up great-Grandmother’s Christmas tree.

This last week my family celebrated “Thanksmas” in Baltimore. Heather lives in Baltimore right now. She is doing her first year of residency there. Matthew and I did not get to join them since we have only been here in Anchorage for about 3 weeks…and it is very expensive to fly all the way from Anchorage, AK to Baltimore, MD. Thanksmas is a tradition that was started the Thanksgiving before Tyler died. As our family was/is growing it was/is getting increasingly hard to all be able to get together for the holidays, especially around Christmas. So, our family decided to claim Thanksgiving and celebrate Christmas then as well to help make it easier, with in-laws, to decide where to spend the holidays. Getting to combine Christmas and Thanksgiving and making it “Thanksmas” was/is like a dream come true! It has evolved into a great family tradition and a cherished holiday.

Tyler is still missed so much everyday. It is hard to explain the depth of the pain and grief that is still there. There are still moments where I feel like I can hardly breath because of this weight that is on my chest. And there are still times where I can hardly believe that he is really gone. I can still hear his voice and his laugh. And I can still see his tall frame roaming through the kitchen pretending to help with the preparations…but really just passing through and making his presence known. I miss him so much. I have come to know that God is in control. That God is sovereign and his plan is perfect. It has taken me a long time to be able to say that. And still, even though I can say that, it doesn’t make it any easier that Ty is gone. But it does remind me again that God is working. That God is healing. That God will continue to grant us peace. And that God will continue to give us the grace to walk through each day without Tyler. Holidays are always hard without Tyler. But this one was especially hard for me. It was hard because I knew that my whole family was together. My family was hurting together and missing Tyler too…and Matt and I were not able to be there with them to laugh, cry, grieve, celebrate, and thank God for how he provides and blesses.