This Journey of Grief

Thanksgiving 2005


Tyler and those big brown Innocent eyes

I have never really been one to tell others my thoughts. I have always journaled but never shared it with people. Two weeks ago my computer crashed. I lost everything. All of my journaling, pictures, papers, scrapbooks, etc. are gone.

I was very sad to lose my journaling because since December 21, 2006 I had been including thoughts of my brother, Tyler, as well. Tyler was 19. On December 21 he was killed in a one car accident. He was the sixth kid of ten of us. Losing him was harder than anything I have ever known. He was 6'4" with deep brown eyes, long eye lashes and brown hair that he always cut himself. He was always ready for anything. If you were down or lonely he was the first to come hang out with you. If you needed advice he was willing to listen and if he felt that he had some wisdom to offer (which he usually did because he was so wise at the young age of 19) he would, only after much contemplation, offer it. He could make you laugh without even saying a word. He could make you feel better about yourself without ever putting other people down. He was slow and kind in his correction. He was the one that would do something for someone hoping that no one would ever know it was him who had done it. It is impossible to put him into words. His humility, kindness, and generosity are beyond what I can describe. If you knew him you know exactly what I mean. He was so happy and smiling nearly all the time and yet in a way he was serious and at times somber in his demeanor in a way that you knew that he cared deeply for people. He did not take life too seriously but he took people seriously. He knew what mattered most in life and was grabbing hold of those things and chasing after God. I miss my brother more than you will ever know. His absence will be felt every moment of every day from now until I see him again in Heaven. I know that he is in a better place...but I miss him so deeply. I know that there is still hope and that I will still have moments of joy and happiness on this earth. But I also know that all of those moments will be bitter sweet without having Tyler here with us.