Hope in a Country of Despair

I have been lost in my own misery and pride. As much as I longed to trust God and, in many ways, was still running to God in my fears and suffering, I had not completely relinquished control and chosen to trust God again. I was holding on to a control that didn't even exist. I was holding onto my family and not wanting to allow God to have them for fear that he would take more of them from me. Which I know, and knew, was a ludicrous idea because God is in control whether I choose to give him control or not. But it was a matter of my heart. My heart was so broken and hurt and I did not think that I, or much more my family, deserved this suffering. This summer I spent a month in Zimbabwe, Africa. This is a country that is full of sadness, brokenness, and despair. In Zimbabwe people suffer hunger, sickness, fear of being beaten, death and much more everyday. ...and yet, somewhere in all of their day in and day out suffering they find hope. Hope in a God that promises to wash away their sins with grace through his Son's death, to care for them, give them peace, joy, comfort and love. That same God promises those things to me as well...and yet somehow I was convinced that I deserved something more than they were getting. I thought that I did not deserve this present suffering. Being in Zimbabwe reminded me that I deserve only death. Prior to Tyler's death I lived such a perfect life with very little, if any at all, suffering. My amazing parents and brothers and sisters gave me more love than most people could hope for in a lifetime. Up until December 21 I had never suffered any great tragedy or loss in this fallen world, and yet when Tyler died I felt like God had somehow cheated me out of something I deserved. When really, I was so blessed to have Tyler as my brother for 19 years. I could not ask for more. So, being in Zimbabwe reminded me of God's sovereignty and his love for me. I was reminded that this present suffering is nothing in comparison to eternity with him. God's ultimate plan is so much bigger and greater than anything I could ever imagine. I need to only find hope in the fact that God is daily working to mold me and change me into the woman that he wants me to be. I know that these realizations will not cause me to miss Tyler any less. But they will help me to find hope. They will help me to remember that I am so small and yet God loves me so much and will provide for me in all the ways that I need him to no matter what comes my way.