Goodnights of the Past

Tonight Shelley and I were going to bed when Gini walked in and the three of us started talking. Then Ben walked in and sat down on the bed too. The four of us just sat there and talked about random things for about an hour. As we were sitting there talking I got an overwhelming emotion of missing Tyler. Ty and Ben's room is right across the hall from Gini, Shelley and Cori's, so whenever the girls would go to bed the boys would come in and say goodnight and many nights a conversation would start. This was a time that was so special to the girls. They loved it when Tyler would make a point to take time before bed to just sit on the edge of their bed and talk. Or if he was in a goofier mood he would just come in to flip the lights on and off numerous times. Or he would come in over and over and over again to say goodnight just to annoy them (and in his own special way make them feel so loved). As we sat there and talked tonight I could hardly keep my focus on the conversation and the tears out of my voice. I just wanted to curl up on the bed and cry. His presence is missed so much everyday. It is missed in the little things that seemed so small and insignificant and he is missed in the big things that we wish we could go back to. The grief and pain can come on so suddenly and be so overwhelming. His presence in a room made the room seem so much brighter and warmer. His humble character made everyone feel special and wanted. It is amazing to me that we still breath. It is amazing to me that I have days where I am happy. It is amazing to me that I am able to get out of bed everyday and somehow function on a somewhat "normal" level. In the past whenever I knew someone that had lost a loved one I never truly understood that it is a lifelong battle with grief, sorrow, and pain. It is something that never completely heals. Your heart is forever changed. And I never understood that with every new memory you create you are only reminded that he is not there to share in it. There are so many things that we all think, "oh Ty would have that that was funny" or "Ty would have said such and such here" or "Tyler would have good advise about that". And even though we remember him everyday and we will never forget him it is so hard to make new memories without him. Some days are better than others. But I miss him everyday. The grief weighs heavy on my heart tonight, as I was so vividly reminded again of his absence.

Even though I still have so many questions and so many doubts and uncertainties when it comes to God, I am so thankful that I have hope in Him. It is amazing to me that in spite of my questions and anger towards Him, He is still the one that I run to and cling to in the midst of it all.