54 Things About Tyler

I have seen several blogs lately with the list theme...so I thought I'd join in...here a few things about Ty:

1. He left the spoon in the peanut butter every time he used it
2. He got sunburned easily
3. When he found an outfit/shirt/cap/shoes he liked he wore them/it all the time
4. He would chew on his lip while he was driving or thinking really hard about something
5. He could watch sports center 24/7 if he could, even if they were playing the same stories over and over again
6. He had a freckle on his ear that always looked like he had his left ear pierced
7. There were only a few songs that he liked to listen to all the way through. Usually he would listen to about 30 seconds and then, much to the dismay of his siblings in the car with him, would change the song
8. With his arms out and bent at the elbows, with his hands dropped he would shuffle across the floor doing the ‘Hitch’ dance
9. He was always teasing someone or trying to make them smile
10. He loved nature….rain, thunderstorms, snow, cold weather
11. He would wear socks for days at a time...they would begin to smell like mildew...I would have to ask him to change his socks
12. He liked to cook, but hated to clean up
13. He loved to have individual pictures taken of himself
14. He was good at pretty much every sport he played (golf, basketball, football, tennis, softball...)
15. He loved to make people laugh
16. He had a tender heart and a perpetually busy mind
17. He didn’t really learn to read until he started school in 7th grade
18. He got bored with school because he was so smart…he made all his teachers laugh a lot
19. He liked to eat healthy...most of the time
20. He sang “This is the day, this is the day, this is the day, this is the day, this is the day...” over and over again while standing on the fireplace when he was about 4 and 5 years old (he would very occasionally remember to add a “that the Lord has made” in there)
21. He had those big, brown, mischievous and caring eyes all his life
22. He was kind of a little runt of a kid compared to Landon until he was about 11 and then he grew a whole lot really fast (and out grew Landon...but don’t tell Landon) :)
23. A few of the phrases he used often: "Das weeird", "Oh, it's gonna matter", "Hurst, in't dat kinda weeird"....
24. He never kissed a girl
25. He was so good about not saying bad things about other people
26. He had a big 5 gallon bucket that he had super glued the lid onto. This is what he put all of his money in so that he wouldn’t spend it…he then borrowed money from Landon...
27. He loved Thanksgiving and Christmas…I think he liked Thanksgiving so much because that meant Christmas was almost here, and that meant he could put the Christmas lights up
28. He didn’t like Sheryl Crow at all
29. He thought he would be in the NBA by the age of 15
30. He kept his own stats (blocked shots, steals…) while playing basketball against Gini and Shelley. Since he was always about a foot taller than both of them, he would really rack up the blocked shots
31. He liked getting up early and staying up late
32. He was afraid of heights
33. He drove from Muleshoe to Littlefield when he was 12 years old
34. He liked sardines…and made his own concoction of sauces to eat with them
35. He always left just a little bit of milk in the bottom of his glass
36. He ate all food as if it were cereal...with a lot milk to wash it down
37. He would paid Ben to clean his part of their bedroom
38. He liked some rap music
39. No matter how many times he would tell the same corny joke we would laugh every time
40. Him and Landon told Cori to get the cows of the roof and that Ted Nugent wanted his shirt back all the time
41. One summer him and Landon painted our whole house for little pay
42. ...and painted Grandaddy’s for less
43. He sported a “tinker bell” haircut for a while
44. He cut his own hair (except when Gini would occasionally help shave the back of his neck)
45. When we first moved to Muleshoe he got the reputation for telling girls flat out “no”, without further explanation or apology, when they would call wanting to go out with him
46. He played more outside and inside football than anyone I know
47. Loved to play sports with his younger siblings and the neighbor kids
48. He would be the “all time quarter-back” and would always let/help Cori beat Ben when they played football (inside or outside)
49. He loved to go golfing with his brothers and Papa
50. He was the tallest person in junior high, including coaches and teachers

I found a list that Shelley, Cori, Gini, Ben and I had started with things about Tyler and somehow they didn't make it into the original list that I posted. So here they are.

51. He liked for people to play with his ears.
52. He would have Gini, Shelley, and Cori count the moles of his head (I think this was his way of getting them to rub his head).
53. He once told us girls that J.J. Reddick's grandparents were the people that owned "J.J.'s Cafe" is Hereford, Texas...we believed him....
54. He and Landon would always give Cori a box full of rocks and toilet tissue for Christmas. They would go to the trouble to acutally wrap it and put it under the tree for her to open.

A beautiful picture of hope.

BTD (Border Town Days)

This weekend was Border Town Days in Papa's home town, Farwell. It is tradition for the whole family to go every year. Usually on Friday night there is a barn dance. Then on Saturday morning there is a parade. Grandaddy always helps out with the cookout/barbecue in the park in the afternoon. All throughout the park there are booth's set up selling homemade arts and crafts, ice cream and pies. There is also a talent show with an open microphone giving many people the opportunity to sing (this can be good and bad...). Later in the day there is a volleyball tournament (they didn't have it this year for some reason). Then on Sunday we play in the annual Sheets vs. Mayfield softball game and eat hotdogs and drink cokes (didn't get to do this this year either).

Last year at the barn dance I remember so clearly how Zach and Tyler danced to the song from the movie Hitch. I wish so badly that we had gotten it on video...because it was hilarious! It always made me laugh so hard when he would dance to it. Tyler possessed such a wide array of behaviors. He was quiet and serious at times. Then the next minute he would be joking, laughing and passionate. But no matter what he did you could see deep in his eyes the love that he had for making people laugh/smile/happy. Even though sometimes he was kind of shy he was also confident so anytime that song came on we would beg him to do the dance and he would always oblige.

I am always thinking about Ty. I always want to be talking about him. And I want to learn to write about him and tell stories about him because I want those who never knew him to get a tiny glimpse of him. Of his heart, his willingness to learn, his passion for people, his joy for life, his desire to serve, and his humility before God. As I have said before...putting him into words is simply impossible...but I am still going to try on occasion because he is so worth knowing and talking about.

John Anderson

The other day as I was driving to work and flipping radio stations I heard a song I had not heard in about 9 or 10 years. The song is by John Anderson and it is called "I Wish I Could've Been There". It immeadiately reminded me of all my brothers but it made me miss Ty, because I won't get to hear him sing it with the other bro's like he used to. It was so hilarious how they used to sing it. I am sure I will not do it justice by writing about it...but it always made us laugh so hard when they would do it. The song is "cheesy" and they were making fun of it when they would sing it. They went through a phase growing up where they would say the opposite of what they ment. So, they would do that with this song too. It was hilarious in a way that only they could make it funny!

6 Months

In Abilene the roof of my house was my escape. I went there to think. I went there to cry. I went there to study. It was a place where I felt like no one was watching me, no one was judging me, no one was feeling sorry for me, no one was expecting anything of me, no one was worrying about me...I felt closest to God there....and closest to Ty....it is like the rest of the world just faded into the background and I could just be me. I have not really found my place of escape here in Lubbock yet...

Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Ty's death. I really didn't expect it to be any different than any other day because every day is hard...but it was a very hard day. It is going to be a long emotional road. It is going to be a lifetime of memories, some sad, some happy. And it will be a lifetime of days like today where I miss him so much my heart literally hurts inside of me. I know that I have days where I struggle with trusting God with the future...but I just realize that if I am still breathing, walking, talking, and at times, living after Ty's death, than I can get through anything....and I know that it is only the grace of God that allows me to continue on.

"Yesterdays"

A Song By Switchfoot that I just heard:

Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free

The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free

I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone, oh...
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I'm with you, I'll carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you're free

I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me

I'll carry on

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
So long my friend, so long

Will and Levi

My twin nephews were born yesterday morning! Their names are William Cotton and Levi Blake. Ever since Christmas I knew that this day would come and I knew that it would be bitter sweet. It was one of the happiest days of my life because I love those little boys so much. I had no idea that I would love them so dearly. But it was also a very sad day because I wish Tyler were here. I know that he would have loved to welcome these boys into the world. he talked about it all the time and was so excited about their birth. He would have been a great uncle. Just as he did with his younger siblings, he would have taken them out in the yard and taught them to play basketball, football, baseball, golf...and he would have made them always feel so very special. The times when I miss him the most are the times when things are so happy. When good things happen I always want him here to experience them with us. He always made situations that much more special just by being there. I still miss him so deeply and know that I always will. In everything that happens in life I will miss him. I know he is in a better place...but I miss him more deeply than I knew was possible. But I know that he would have taught these boys so much and he loves them so much.

These boys are a blessing in ours lives!

The Future Without Him

It is so often the little things that catch me off guard and are so hard. The other day I was sending out a group email to let people know that I was changing my email address since I just graduated. I just clicked and added everyone from my address book. An email came back to me saying the address was no longer valid...it was Tyler's address. Knowing that he will never be around to check his email again is so hard. He will never be around to leave the spoon in the peanut butter. He will never be around to wear those rediculous white shoes that are so worn out or those boots that he "worked in" by taking a knife to them and scuffing them up. He won't be around to make us all laugh or to flash that half smile or to laugh so hard he can hardly breath. He won't be around to play football in the yard on Thanksgiving or to help put up all the Christmas decorations. He won't be around to talk about the Spurs with me and to be so excited when they do good in the playoffs. He won't be around to be Landon's best friend. He won't be around to go to Africa with us. And he won't be around to start a ranch with Zach, Landon and Ben. He won't be around......and it is so hard. As I have said before, I do trust God to continue to provide comfort and strength for all of us, but I know that just because we are comforted that Ty is in a better place and we have the strength to continue to breath doesn't mean that we won't be sad and long to see him again.

This Journey of Grief

Thanksgiving 2005


Tyler and those big brown Innocent eyes

I have never really been one to tell others my thoughts. I have always journaled but never shared it with people. Two weeks ago my computer crashed. I lost everything. All of my journaling, pictures, papers, scrapbooks, etc. are gone.

I was very sad to lose my journaling because since December 21, 2006 I had been including thoughts of my brother, Tyler, as well. Tyler was 19. On December 21 he was killed in a one car accident. He was the sixth kid of ten of us. Losing him was harder than anything I have ever known. He was 6'4" with deep brown eyes, long eye lashes and brown hair that he always cut himself. He was always ready for anything. If you were down or lonely he was the first to come hang out with you. If you needed advice he was willing to listen and if he felt that he had some wisdom to offer (which he usually did because he was so wise at the young age of 19) he would, only after much contemplation, offer it. He could make you laugh without even saying a word. He could make you feel better about yourself without ever putting other people down. He was slow and kind in his correction. He was the one that would do something for someone hoping that no one would ever know it was him who had done it. It is impossible to put him into words. His humility, kindness, and generosity are beyond what I can describe. If you knew him you know exactly what I mean. He was so happy and smiling nearly all the time and yet in a way he was serious and at times somber in his demeanor in a way that you knew that he cared deeply for people. He did not take life too seriously but he took people seriously. He knew what mattered most in life and was grabbing hold of those things and chasing after God. I miss my brother more than you will ever know. His absence will be felt every moment of every day from now until I see him again in Heaven. I know that he is in a better place...but I miss him so deeply. I know that there is still hope and that I will still have moments of joy and happiness on this earth. But I also know that all of those moments will be bitter sweet without having Tyler here with us.