Snowshoeing

Yesterday Matt and I went snowshoeing. We rented snowshoes from REI. We got all bundled up because the high temperature was supposed to be 14 degrees and then we drove about 15 minutes from our house to get to the Glen Alps trail head of the mountains/foothills just behind our house. It was beautiful. As we were walking along we could hardly believe that we live here. Only 15 minutes from our house we get to hike through some of the most beautiful country I have ever seen. We get to see God's amazing creation everyday as we go to work, the store, the movies, or to church. It is simply incredible! If you haven't ever been I highly recommend it. It is so peaceful. As you walk along you hear nothing but the crunch of the snow underneath your snowshoes. It is is quiet you feel like you can hear the snow landing on the tree branches around you. An amazing experience.

Oh yeah, I thought of another unusual thing about Alaska. Here people can use snow in the back of their trucks instead of sand bags to keep there truck from sliding on the ice. The temperature rarely gets above 32 degrees in the winter so the snow in the back of trucks doesn't melt and therefore works as a very cheap sand bag!

A Few Things About Ty

I found a list that Shelley, Cori, Gini, Ben and I had started with things about Tyler and somehow they didn't make it into the original list that I posted. So here they are.

51. He liked for people to play with his ears.
52. He would have Gini, Shelley, and Cori count the moles of his head (I think this was his way of getting them to rub his head).
53. He once told us girls that J.J. Reddick's grandparents were the people that owned "J.J.'s Cafe" is Hereford, Texas...we believed him....
54. He and Landon would always give Cori a box full of rocks and toilet tissue for Christmas. They would go to the trouble to acutally wrap it and put it under the tree for her to open.

That is all for now.

Things About Alaska

1. Alaskans consume more coffee and ice cream per capote than any other state in the USA.
2. When someone asks you if you have “studs on your car”, they are referring to a kind of snow tire.
3. Seeing a moose in a neighbors yard is not an unusual occurrence.
4. The majority of the streets in Anchorage change names at least twice in the course of the 8 miles across the city.
5. You carry mace to protect yourself from bears, not people.
6. People are welcoming and friendly like Texans! J
7. When you call time and temperature they also tell you the amount of daylight (in hours and minutes) that you are going to have that day.
8. In the winter the sun stays over the south mountains the majority of the day…so you have a beautiful sunrise/sunset for about 5 of the 6 hours every day.
9. Many of the thermometers in town have different temperature readings…we assume this must be from the extreme cold damaging them.
10. Having a heated garage is a must!
11. When you go running in the winter you have to get dressed as if you are going skiing (I wear 4 layers on the bottom, 5 layers on the top, gloves, 2 pairs of wool socks, and a toboggan).
12. Carrying emergency kits (water, food, blankets, toe warmers, etc.) in the car is a necessity.
13. You are never supposed to let your gas tank get down to less than a quarter of a tank in case you get stuck in bad weather.
14. You can still have cookouts when it is 15 degrees outside…we’ve done this!
15. There are little mini coffee shops on almost every corner.
16. It is customary to take your shoes off at the door in the winter to keep from tracking snow and mud into everyone’s house.
17. Instead of worrying about raccoons getting into your trash…you have to worry about bears and moose getting into it!
18. Many trucks drive around with snow plows and/or ridiculous amounts of driving lights on them!
19. People fish elbow to elbow (literally) in the summer time during the Salmon runs.
20. Having a heated blanket on your bed is completely necessary.
21. Spending the afternoon snow skiing, snow shoeing, snow machining, or cross country skiing is very common.
22. The malls look like abandoned warehouses from the outside...but they are completely normal looking on the inside. Not sure why this is!
23. Everyone has blackout curtains on their bedroom windows because in the summer it is still daylight at 1:00am.
24. You quickly become a hot coffee or tea drinker because you need the warm fluids to keep you warm!
25. When the temperature dips below zero and your car is sitting in the hospital parking lot instead of your heated garage...your poor little Hyundai Tuscan's battery just can't take it and it will die.


**There might be more to come as Matt and I continue to discover new things about Alaska!

"Thanksmas"

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I love all being in the kitchen, everyone with their own job, and preparing all the food together. Gathering around the table to eat until our stomachs hurt so bad we can only lay there…then laying around in the living room watching/sleeping through college football. All getting out in the yard to put up the Christmas lights (which is always at night…we can’t try to put them up during the day…it would be to warm and light outside to do that!). Pulling taffy…a dreaded and yet adored tradition. Setting up great-Grandmother’s Christmas tree.

This last week my family celebrated “Thanksmas” in Baltimore. Heather lives in Baltimore right now. She is doing her first year of residency there. Matthew and I did not get to join them since we have only been here in Anchorage for about 3 weeks…and it is very expensive to fly all the way from Anchorage, AK to Baltimore, MD. Thanksmas is a tradition that was started the Thanksgiving before Tyler died. As our family was/is growing it was/is getting increasingly hard to all be able to get together for the holidays, especially around Christmas. So, our family decided to claim Thanksgiving and celebrate Christmas then as well to help make it easier, with in-laws, to decide where to spend the holidays. Getting to combine Christmas and Thanksgiving and making it “Thanksmas” was/is like a dream come true! It has evolved into a great family tradition and a cherished holiday.

Tyler is still missed so much everyday. It is hard to explain the depth of the pain and grief that is still there. There are still moments where I feel like I can hardly breath because of this weight that is on my chest. And there are still times where I can hardly believe that he is really gone. I can still hear his voice and his laugh. And I can still see his tall frame roaming through the kitchen pretending to help with the preparations…but really just passing through and making his presence known. I miss him so much. I have come to know that God is in control. That God is sovereign and his plan is perfect. It has taken me a long time to be able to say that. And still, even though I can say that, it doesn’t make it any easier that Ty is gone. But it does remind me again that God is working. That God is healing. That God will continue to grant us peace. And that God will continue to give us the grace to walk through each day without Tyler. Holidays are always hard without Tyler. But this one was especially hard for me. It was hard because I knew that my whole family was together. My family was hurting together and missing Tyler too…and Matt and I were not able to be there with them to laugh, cry, grieve, celebrate, and thank God for how he provides and blesses.

Matthew and Me

I am engaged! The man of my dreams, Matthew, asked me to marry him and I said yes. We are getting married on October 25, 2008 in Muleshoe, Texas. What an exciting and happy time! I wish so badly Tyler could be here to celebrate with us. There is still always the fear of creating new memories...and the fear that creating new ones will push all of the memories of Tyler out. And, there is the longing for Matt to have known Tyler as well and Ty knowing Matt. It is so hard to convey to Matthew who Tyler was. He wants to know about Tyler and is great about it all...but no matter how many stories I tell and how much I talk about Tyler...Matthew can never truly know who Tyler was and the amazing man that he was. So now...Matt and I are about to begin this new life together and fulfill one of Tyler's wishes on his list. Matthew is an amazing man of God and an answer to many prayers!

Hope in a Country of Despair

I have been lost in my own misery and pride. As much as I longed to trust God and, in many ways, was still running to God in my fears and suffering, I had not completely relinquished control and chosen to trust God again. I was holding on to a control that didn't even exist. I was holding onto my family and not wanting to allow God to have them for fear that he would take more of them from me. Which I know, and knew, was a ludicrous idea because God is in control whether I choose to give him control or not. But it was a matter of my heart. My heart was so broken and hurt and I did not think that I, or much more my family, deserved this suffering. This summer I spent a month in Zimbabwe, Africa. This is a country that is full of sadness, brokenness, and despair. In Zimbabwe people suffer hunger, sickness, fear of being beaten, death and much more everyday. ...and yet, somewhere in all of their day in and day out suffering they find hope. Hope in a God that promises to wash away their sins with grace through his Son's death, to care for them, give them peace, joy, comfort and love. That same God promises those things to me as well...and yet somehow I was convinced that I deserved something more than they were getting. I thought that I did not deserve this present suffering. Being in Zimbabwe reminded me that I deserve only death. Prior to Tyler's death I lived such a perfect life with very little, if any at all, suffering. My amazing parents and brothers and sisters gave me more love than most people could hope for in a lifetime. Up until December 21 I had never suffered any great tragedy or loss in this fallen world, and yet when Tyler died I felt like God had somehow cheated me out of something I deserved. When really, I was so blessed to have Tyler as my brother for 19 years. I could not ask for more. So, being in Zimbabwe reminded me of God's sovereignty and his love for me. I was reminded that this present suffering is nothing in comparison to eternity with him. God's ultimate plan is so much bigger and greater than anything I could ever imagine. I need to only find hope in the fact that God is daily working to mold me and change me into the woman that he wants me to be. I know that these realizations will not cause me to miss Tyler any less. But they will help me to find hope. They will help me to remember that I am so small and yet God loves me so much and will provide for me in all the ways that I need him to no matter what comes my way.

Goodnights of the Past

Tonight Shelley and I were going to bed when Gini walked in and the three of us started talking. Then Ben walked in and sat down on the bed too. The four of us just sat there and talked about random things for about an hour. As we were sitting there talking I got an overwhelming emotion of missing Tyler. Ty and Ben's room is right across the hall from Gini, Shelley and Cori's, so whenever the girls would go to bed the boys would come in and say goodnight and many nights a conversation would start. This was a time that was so special to the girls. They loved it when Tyler would make a point to take time before bed to just sit on the edge of their bed and talk. Or if he was in a goofier mood he would just come in to flip the lights on and off numerous times. Or he would come in over and over and over again to say goodnight just to annoy them (and in his own special way make them feel so loved). As we sat there and talked tonight I could hardly keep my focus on the conversation and the tears out of my voice. I just wanted to curl up on the bed and cry. His presence is missed so much everyday. It is missed in the little things that seemed so small and insignificant and he is missed in the big things that we wish we could go back to. The grief and pain can come on so suddenly and be so overwhelming. His presence in a room made the room seem so much brighter and warmer. His humble character made everyone feel special and wanted. It is amazing to me that we still breath. It is amazing to me that I have days where I am happy. It is amazing to me that I am able to get out of bed everyday and somehow function on a somewhat "normal" level. In the past whenever I knew someone that had lost a loved one I never truly understood that it is a lifelong battle with grief, sorrow, and pain. It is something that never completely heals. Your heart is forever changed. And I never understood that with every new memory you create you are only reminded that he is not there to share in it. There are so many things that we all think, "oh Ty would have that that was funny" or "Ty would have said such and such here" or "Tyler would have good advise about that". And even though we remember him everyday and we will never forget him it is so hard to make new memories without him. Some days are better than others. But I miss him everyday. The grief weighs heavy on my heart tonight, as I was so vividly reminded again of his absence.

Even though I still have so many questions and so many doubts and uncertainties when it comes to God, I am so thankful that I have hope in Him. It is amazing to me that in spite of my questions and anger towards Him, He is still the one that I run to and cling to in the midst of it all.

Dec. 21

today is the 1 year anniversary of a day that none of us will ever be able to forget. as my sister terah said, even though we hate the grief and more than anything do not want to have to continue to live each day in sorrow, we also do not want to stop grieving because that means that we are forgetting. i would rather live everyday the rest of my life in some form of sorrow than ever in any way forget the amazing person that my brother was.

on this day two of our dear friends kate and summer gave us a gift that we will cherish from now on. they took pictures of ty and the fam and different tshirts, jeans and other pieces of clothing of his and made them into a quilt. it is a gift that we can literally wrap around us in times of grief and sorrow. what an amazing gift to help us remember tyler.

i know that i will never forget him, but my fear is that others might. it is so hard to meet new people and have them meet our family and not know tyler. tyler was such a unique individual that stories do not do his amazing life justice. so it is very difficult to meet those new people and know that now matter what, they will never truly understand the magnitude of tyler's impact.

on this day i remember tyler, as i do everyday.

Thanksgiving 2007

A few pictures from Thanksmas (aka Christmas at Thanksgiving) 2006












Thanksgiving. It was filled with such sorrow, grief and sadness. And at the same time there was joy, hope, and even happy times in the midst of it all. It is still hard for me to wrap my mind around Tyler really being gone. It is so hard to imagine how we will make it through this life without Ty. It is hard to imagine getting married, raising kids, and growing old without him...all of my life I have thought about the future and imagined what it would be like when we were all grown with kids...and now it is hard to imagine that. It is a little odd that I have a hard time understanding Ty being gone because everyday I am reminded in such a strong way that he is...but it is still hard. But, after making it through the Thanksgiving holiday...I know that we will make it. I know that there will continue to be very hard days, weeks, and months...but I know that we will be okay.

Penn State and the Braves

These two boys were all decked out in their “Uncle Tyler” apparel. They were prepared to watch football all Saturday afternoon. They bring more joy and hope to me than I can express. I know that Tyler would have been an amazing uncle that that he would have absolutely loved hanging out with them.

Take Me Away

There are countless days where I only want to go home. Deep within there is this yearning to be in heaven with God, and with Tyler. At times I am unsure whether I want to be with God or with Tyler more. Many days God seems to only be a means to get to heaven so that I can see Ty. I guess my faith is still struggling in many areas. God does grant me peace. And he does provide comfort in many ways… But I continue to struggle to trust him with my life, and with my family. I also struggle to know God again. With so many unanswered questions, some days it is challenging to choose to trust in spite of my uncertainties. Spending time with God and resting in his presence is a struggle. Tyler is at the forefront of my mind all the time, but in the stillness his absence is all the more evident and overwhelming. So, avoiding the silence and stillness is a way to at least evade the intensity of the loss. He is the only place I do find true rest. But getting to that place of rest is to a great extent more difficult than it used to be.

There are days where I want to keep on living and find inspiration in the way that Ty lived his life and hope to live my life in just such an amazing way. But there are also days where the lyrics of the Lifehouse song “Take Me Away” echo in my heart.

"This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let me stay here alone

This time what I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
I've seen enough and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away"


For years this was a song that I would listen to desiring to draw nearer to God and to remind myself to let go of earthly things and to cling to God alone. Now it has taken on a whole new meaning and is very bitter sweet to listen to. I do believe that this earth is not our home and that we should look forward to heaven. I used to have to strive to not allow this earth’s pleasures to consume me. Now I struggle with finding peace here on this earth rather than being completely consumed by the hope of heaven.